I came across an article recently about Extreme Demand Avoidance (EDA) in autistic adults and I have been thinking about it ever since. The more I learn about neurodiversity, the more I realize how much behaviour can be misunderstood when we are only looking at it from the outside.
Saddik and Mason (2026) interviewed autistic adults about their experiences with EDA, including what it feels like, how it affects their lives, and what helps. One of the themes they identified was called “A Tug-of-War Within,” and this was probably the part that interested me most.
Participants talked about wanting to do something but feeling unable to do it once it became a demand. This wasn't just about chores, work, appointments, or things they didn't particularly want to do. It could happen with hobbies and activities they actually enjoyed.
I found myself thinking about how easily we can interpret that as a lack of motivation. If someone tells us they want to do something and then repeatedly doesn't do it, it seems reasonable to assume they aren't motivated enough, they're procrastinating, or maybe they just don't really want to do it.
But that wasn't how the adults in this study described their experience.
They also talked about how exhausting it was to manage all of the regular demands of adult life. Work, parenting, self-care, chores, decisions, appointments. The researchers actually called one of the themes “24/7 Turmoil.” Participants described overwhelm, exhaustion, guilt, and the feeling of constantly having demands coming at them.
What I found especially interesting was how much misunderstanding seemed to add to that experience. Behaviours associated with demand avoidance can look like being difficult, lazy, resistant, or unmotivated. If we make that assumption, though, we might completely miss what is going on for the person.
This is where the article really made me stop and think about the language we use.
We often ask some version of, “Why won't they just do it?”
I wonder what changes if we ask, “What is making this so hard to do right now?”
The adults in the study talked about flexibility, accommodations, understanding, and autonomy as things that helped. That also made me think about our usual response when someone is struggling to get something done. We often add more structure, reminders, encouragement, accountability, or consequences. Sometimes those things are useful. But if the demand itself is contributing to the difficulty, adding more pressure might not help at all.
I don't think the takeaway is that every instance of avoidance is EDA, or that people shouldn't have expectations placed on them. This is also an area that is still being researched and understood. For me, the interesting part is simply recognizing how little we can know about someone's internal experience based on their behaviour alone.
I work with neurodivergent people, and I am still constantly finding things that make me reconsider what I thought I understood. This was one of them.
Sometimes what looks like “won't” from the outside might actually feel much closer to “can't” on the inside.
And I think that's worth being curious about.
Reference
Saddik, N., & Mason, J. (2026). Navigating adulthood with extreme demand avoidance: A qualitative exploration of differences, accommodations, and lived experiences. Neurodiversity, 4, 27546330261471396.
Alison Gervais
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